When I was a sophomore in college, I was an editor at the school <<Three Gorges Youth>>, and in my spare time in the editorial office, I used to write a little bit of so-called literature and other things. I don’t engage in literature, I just move my pen like a pen practice, so as not to make the pen stiff in my hand. Today, a year later, I inadvertently saw something I wrote a year ago in the computer, read this, the intention of my initial writing is not understood, is writing a tragedy or writing about love? Others can’t read it and I can’t read it. But from the article I feel a bleak in the helplessness of love, life ……
I really did not want to leave the warmth of the blanket, but looking at his sad eyes, I did not refuse.
Can you go to the roof with me to see the stars? Hearing his childish words, I was flabbergasted, and then I looked out the window – it was pitch black, not even half a star.
I didn’t say anything, just went to the roof like his shadow and sat down.
Silence, I think the air is also frozen.
Why are there no stars in the sky? Only after a long time he squeezed out a contradictory sentence.
I wanted to smile, but in the atmosphere he created, I couldn’t drive a nerve in my face to command my facial muscles to smile – that is unless I had a brain problem.
What’s up, bro?
Is it true that the stars will not appear when the gates of heaven are closed? The angels must not come either, right? The words that came out of his sliding throat were a few words I didn’t understand.
I didn’t say anything, just stood up and shook his shirt, patting the ash on his butt ……
Can you listen to the story I’m telling?
Just say what you have to say, brother! I sat down again.
“When I find myself in love with a girl while also saying I don’t love you!”
JUDY is my high school classmate, she is a lively and lovely girl. Quiet, classy, other than that and other girls, very ordinary kind. But I don’t know why, there was something special in her that was attracting me. I don’t know what that means, only that the feeling is very strong.
I began to approach her with a purpose.
JUDY’s seat is in the middle of the side. When she had to leave, I would intentionally or unintentionally “invade” her exclusive area. I sat on her bench and looked out the window to see the wide playing field. I developed a prejudice: it was better than the first three rows of Class A seats in the middle. Awkward scenes also occur: when I am down in the view of the window with interest, she has quietly stood behind me looking at me, to be exact, looking at me and smiling. I was somewhat flattered, I was at a loss for words to leave there in a hurry, and in haste she did get a book on the ground, sorry, sorry ……
I wanted to sit with her! I don’t know how many times I ran to the teacher, but she was probably impressed by my sincerity and agreed. I was so excited that I didn’t sleep for three nights.
This was the first time I really had the opportunity to get up close and personal with her since I had a special feeling for her.
I love to see the way she looks when she frowns while doing math problems. The side view of her, looking extra solemn, gives a reserved and steady beauty. Sometimes I get so distracted that I don’t even realize it when the bell rings. She likes to use her left hand to turn the pen, and she does it very skillfully. The pen in her hand is nimble and swirling, which is beyond my reach. I can only use my right hand to turn, and it is very clumsy. Maybe it’s because I love the house, I also learned to frown and turn the pen with my left hand, but it’s just too inferior.
I tried to get closer to Judy, and she didn’t refuse.
What do you like to eat?
Orange! She giggled.
Every morning, a polished orange would appear in her seat on time.
Thanks! It’s delicious! She smiled sweetly.
My heart was intoxicated, and from then on oranges became something I used to connect with her feelings. At that time, I could not wait to acquire all the oranges in the world to defend what I considered a sacred and great cause.
I began to seriously think about what this unspeakable feeling really is. I can’t say for sure, probably something above friendship but not up to the height of love. I believe in love more than anything else, but I can’t really grasp its original connotation, just a hazy impulse to get it.
Oops, that hurts! The orange slipped from her hand and fell to the ground and rolled to the side.
What’s wrong? I saw blood seeping slightly from the nail of her right thumb. I was heartbroken, and I don’t know if it was out of instinct or an impulse of love, but I grabbed her finger and put it in my mouth and sucked it up.
She looked at me with wide, frightened eyes, then annoyance, then jerked her own hand back hard.
I …… I tried to explain a little something, but she didn’t give me a chance – she had avoided my chasing eyes and ran out of the classroom in a hurry. I didn’t get a good look at her face as she ran out of the classroom, I just sensed that she was angry.
She ignored me for a few days after that and lost that harmony she used to have.
She’s avoiding me!
I found that I was sick. In her eyes, I could no longer find my own happy figure of yesteryear, autumn waves are now just a lake of stagnant water, deep, I can not see the bottom. The dark eyes were devoid of my smile.
I felt a sadness of wanting but not being able to love.
JUDY, will you listen to me? Actually, I don’t know what I would say.
There are many things that are unnecessary to say, especially about love. Besides, I don’t feel anything for you, I just see you as my brother. She said quietly.
Right. I bowed my head helplessly. I finally did not express my inner adoration.
I know you have been good to me and I will remember you. Thank you for caring for me since together. I also together want to say to that my one heart really can’t be divided between two people.
You like another person together? I heard a sound of breaking glass ……
JUDY doesn’t like me, or she wouldn’t be like this; I like her, but she doesn’t accept me. It’s cold! The only explanation is: none of this belongs to me!
I wanted to stay in her footsteps, but no, she said, we’d remain friends if we could. She walked away, and I was still standing dumbfounded.
Can you give me a reason?
Because I don’t love you!
The college entrance exams are approaching, we rarely speak, and occasionally a face-to-face is just an awkward smile. But I still miss everything about her, and the beautiful myth ……
“When a girl says she likes me, I snuff it out!”
The college entrance exams passed and I looked at her scores at the recruiting office and they were similar to mine. I looked down on myself a bit, I was too stupid.
When filling out the volunteer application, she chose a provincial university, and I only filled out a university in the city. I don’t want to run so far to chase something unwarranted, I just want to stay where I am and wait for people and things that belong to me, also put there she it!
The rich and colorful life in college did not dilute my thoughts of her.
I call her, she doesn’t answer; I write to her, I don’t hear from her; I use QQ, I’ll only be on her blacklist. I would love to know why she is like this, and I get no explanation.
I was bitter. I learned to drink. I began to anesthetize myself with alcohol, to fill my blood with muddle and then just forget.
Why are you like this all day long? LISA asked with concern.
Don’t worry about it! I like it! After gurgling down a bottle of wine, I was already a little drunk.
LISA sat in front of me with some helplessness in her eyes and a bitterness on her face like she was drinking bitter medicine. She did not speak again and kept looking at me. I don’t know what my eyes look like, they must be cloudy, or I wouldn’t be unable to see that there is a pair of crystal clear bright eyes looking at me.
LISA is also my classmate, to be exact, my college classmate. She and JUDY have very different personalities. She smiles more than JUDY, and smiles very sweetly. She is very caring and considerate, especially for me, while JUDY has never given me this feeling.
I didn’t appreciate her kindness, she was standing in front of me and I couldn’t see her.
You don’t have to do that! LISA didn’t smile at me this time and forcefully grabbed the bottle from my hand.
You look like my mother, do you know that? I stared at everything indifferently, rolling the knot of my throat a little hoarse.
She turned her face sideways and wasn’t saying anything, her hands were applying to her face to try ……
Sorry, I had too much to drink yesterday ……
Oh – nothing. You, what’s wrong? She was still concerned about me. Looking into her eyes, I felt a burning temperature spreading. I twisted my face away, I was afraid of the burn!
There’s a lot of things you don’t understand, and you don’t have to be so nice to me! –That’s so unfair to you.
I wanted to know! She was gazing at me with a begging gaze, but more like a bully, – I didn’t answer, acquiescing.
In a very secluded cafe, I told her about my past. I didn’t care how she felt, I just kept emphasizing how bitterly in love I was with having her in the past. She was a very qualified listener, serious as if she was listening to my lesson.
And then what?
Later? I never thought about it. There is no later! A bitter laugh, is also the best explanation for “no later”.
She was silent, and so was I. It was dark and there were no stars. It was dark outside.
Take me back, will you? That low, soft tone of voice coupled with my momentary pity, I actually agreed.
I was walking back to my dorm room without a word, listening to the cool night breeze blowing the leaves of the trees. Walking with her, I felt nervous and couldn’t find the right topic or the right words – there was still a shadow of JUDY in my mind, and I still fantasized that she would give me a message, and even more so that the person beside me at this time was also her ……
Can you accept me? Just like you accept your JUDY? I was stunned, I heard clearly, she bite the word “your” very hard. Is there a difference between mine and yours? If there is, how can I lose “mine”?
I’m sorry,…… I didn’t want to hurt her, but I couldn’t find a better wording to reject an almost pathetic adoration that I didn’t want to accept. I’m starting to regret sending her back to her dorm room. You know, I can’t get over her, I can’t get out of everything I once set myself up to do. You are a good girl and there are better things waiting for you to pursue ……
I put down a girl’s reserve, in exchange for such a reply from you? LISA two eyes contain a kind of sulking. You are thinking of her, but I found out from your conversation that you also hold a grudge against her, don’t you? Do you know that you and she are the same person in the same mold. In my eyes, you are just like her – inconsiderate of other people’s feelings! I will hate you!
She ran away, just like a Chen wind. And I stayed where I was again. Maybe I was wrong again.
A mistake to the end!
I stayed in my dorm room together, and I tolerated what I did to her, although I was a little humble. I was afraid to go out except to class because I was afraid to see her. She didn’t look for me again either, until one day ……
YiMing, there is a letter from you!
There was no postmark on the letter, only my name, which was in Judy’s handwriting, and I had an unexplainable feeling of foreboding.
You know, I’m a girl, a girl who has always longed for love. What about you? What else is there but avoidance?
I always thought it was an illusion, because you and I felt a too strong contrast towards each other. I approached you and tried to get you to accept me, and you always used the other her as an excuse. I was sad and helpless.
My dad wanted me to study abroad, but I couldn’t bear to give up my obsession with you. I want to stay, but I don’t have a good reason. If you can give me a reason, I will stay, for you and for me ……
I was like a wooden man, unresponsive. Numbness had invaded my heart.
I didn’t respond to her, still hiding in my dorm room with its musty smell. I like this smell, like the legendary drug that can be addictive and forget the pain ……
She’s finally gone.
I hate you for life! These were the only words she left me before she left. It was as if I saw a pair of sultry eyes looking at me ……
“Actually, my heart is crying!”
They were all gone, and only I was left to fondle. He let out a soft sigh and looked at me impotently, as if waiting for my comment. I couldn’t say anything, except to express my regret.
Waxy, haggard, is the picture of his face, and a pair of deep eyes. This is the man who has been through the storm.
One is the person that I have painstakingly pursued but was abandoned by her to the side, the other is painstakingly pursued me but was abandoned by me, others missed me, I also missed others ……
But willing them all well …… they do not know that I also cry, is crying in the heart!
He looked at the night sky with both eyes, as if looking for a star that was forgotten in the distant sky.
What time is it?
Oh – cold? 2am is the coldest time, just like love this thing ……
Night blowing on the face, a shiver, really cold ……